What of It?
by Spunkay Skunk
Summary: Crack and SPOILERS! / It was only a matter of time before Lelouch and Suzaku had another fated showdown in a dark cave – hopefully this time, however, it will lead to sexy results? A certain Witch can only hope so. / Rated M for adult language... mostly.


Here's some random **slashy** **parody fun** for you guys (parody as in humor, as in _please _don't flame me over a joke), which **takes place towards the end of the series**. I know I've been inactive for _months_ and that this fic isn't much, but I've been going through a motivational rough patch. Rest assured, however, because I'm hoping to have the next chapter of _Ambiguous_ up before the end of January… I hope. Until then, have a good laugh and maybe let me know that I still have an audience waiting for me out there… somewhere? *peers for readers*

* * *

What of It?

Suzaku's hands clench in their grip on his sword.

He trains the deadly weapon to point at Lelouch, just one swift move away from impalement, from piercing his seething anger and his once best friend in a gratifying thrust. But Lelouch couldn't look more disinterested. His blasé utterance a painful testament to that – but his eyes are aflame, and not just due to the permanent symbol of wretchedness seared over the exotic beauty of his violets, but with a vexation that's undeniably present. Lelouch's voice is as bland as snow, and just as cold, but those eyes are kindling with a well-tamed ire—

A devil keeping his cool but still goading just enough to get the volatile reaction it wishes to see.

Suzaku will be _damned_ if he doesn't get the same from Lelouch.

His jaw is tense and square as his teeth grit at Lelouch's words, literally grating to force a reply.

"_What of it?_" Suzaku echoes contemptuously, a brittle crack across a dry, scorching desert floor. "Is that _all_ you have to say?"

Lelouch's glittering eyes harden slightly, congealing like a lava spill, "I have no more need to waste my time on _you_."

Suzaku blinks in astonishment when Lelouch dares to take a step away from him.

"What's the rush? Have more relatives to cross off your _list_?" Suzaku bats his blade in warning, mirroring Lelouch's casual step.

Lelouch's lips tremble as a snaky sneer slides over them.

"What? Are _you_ going to stop me?" Lelouch laughs sardonically, a haunting roll of thunder across a blackened sky. "The Knight who couldn't even protect his _own_ Princess? Ha!"

"_YOU_—_!_"

"Pray tell, what will the great_ White Reaper_ do to a _foul_ _beast_ such as _me_?" Lelouch is still a cackling demon, sparks of disdain flaring from his lips as he speaks. "Are you really in the right place to judge me, Suzaku? One murderer condemning another – how priceless!"

"I'll—!" Suzaku is sure he whittles he teeth to the gum-line, desperately searching for a retort that will send Lelouch scrambling to catch his breath. He grips the sword so intensely his arms shake and it's almost as if Lelouch's shrapnel laughter is cutting his nerves. "I'll… I'll fucking _rape_ you!"

There is no chuckling choke or ghastly gasp on Lelouch's end.

He simply blinks, his avian eyes fluttering as his stormy amusement dissolves into a clear sky.

Lelouch is… stunned.

"What?"

"You heard me," Suzaku huffs, losing sturdy footing on the confidence of his threat.

Lelouch's eyebrow lifts, "Rape?"

"Rape."

"Me?"

"You."

Lelouch's eyes trace Suzaku carefully, studiously, _critically_, and Suzaku swivels his sword.

"I-I'll do it!" Suzaku shouts, sounding like a crazed _kamikaze_ that's being doubted.

"Hmm." Lelouch's eyes align with Suzaku's again, speaking with a patronizing tongue that lashes Suzaku's ears, "And you think _that_ is an acceptable price for killing your beloved? _That_ will even the score? Is that _really_ the best that you can come up with?"

Suzaku hesitates, "…Well …it, it'd be cruel and it would hurt you a lot! You wouldn't like it all!"

Lelouch is unperturbed.

"I mean it!" Suzaku continues. "Lots of pain, and blood, and crying, and whimpering, and pleading—!"

"Are you talking about you or me?"

Suzaku scowls fiercely, "_You_ of course! Don't mock me!"

Lelouch crosses his arms over a puffed chest, "Sorry, but I just don't see that happening. Completely unrealistic and out of character, for both of us."

"I don't care what you _see_ or what your _character_ is! It'll happen! I promise you!"

"Ooh~ a promise? I'm shaking in my little Zero boots." Lelouch wags his fingers, his hands held up in a scoffing surrender.

Suzaku sighs, a spout of steam bursting from his nostrils, with a stomp of his foot.

"_Damn it!_ I'm _serious_!"

"Yes, and I'm the bloody king of England."—a wry, crooked smirk—"Well, actually…"

"Arg! Just _shut_ _up!_" Suzaku punctuates with a suggestion of his sword. "Take your _damn_ pants off! _Now!_"

Lelouch looks down his nose at the tip of the blade and then back up to Suzaku.

"No. I'm not doing that."

"It wasn't a _question_, it was an _order!_"

A snicker saunters from Lelouch's lips, "Oh, my, Suzaku. _Dom_ doesn't suit you at all."

"Stop talking back or…! Or I'll make sure you _do_ enjoy it! Have you begging for more and more as you writhe underneath me. It would be truly degrading, yearning for a twisted pleasure!"

"You're the masochist, not me. Why don't you just rape yourself and leave the rest of us out of your self-loathing?"—Another serpent smile—"Or if you really want me that badly, Suzaku, you could have just said so."

"D-don't be ridiculous!"

Lelouch's face forms a puppy pout, "Suzaku… That's not a very nice way to talk to your love interest."

Suzaku sputters like a series of dud fireworks.

"I _had_ a love interest and _you_ killed her!"

"And that's why you want to bend me over and rape me so hard I enjoy it?" Lelouch asks drawly, placing a finger to his lips in critical thought. "That logic doesn't quite add up, does it?"

"I never said it made _sense_. I just said I'm going to do it!"

"Naturally." Lelouch idly nods. "I wouldn't really expect you to have sound rationality to support yourself in the first place – once an idiot, always an idiot."

"Just keep pushing, Lelouch. It's your ass, not mine." Suzaku's voice is as unsteady and restless as the soil of a freshly buried grave.

"I'd like to see you try, _oh brave Knight_," the exiled prince jeers. "If your track record is worth noting, then I know you will fail all the same."

Suzaku's mind snaps in half, a clean break on a tender spot hollowed by remorse and guilt.

It's a blind fury prefaced by a battle cry—

The sharp clatter of a sword clashing against the ground—

A graceless tumble of teenage bodies—

Concluded by the wheezing of a physically inept boy.

Suzaku's hands are steel claws thrashing at Lelouch's waist, pillaging _Zero's_ blue folds as he writhes and yells obscenities that are much more powerful than the flails of his body.

"God_damn _it, stop struggling!"—Suzaku catches a stinging slap to the face—"You'll only make it _worse_!"

"_Fuck_ _you!_ I'm not cooperating!" Lelouch's roar ricochets deeply throughout the rocky walls of the cave as he pointedly becomes the epitome of resistance. "You're insane if you think I'd just accept it like a masochist like _you_ – quit getting us confused! Do you _honestly_ think I'm such an _easy_ prey?"

Lelouch growls as Suzaku pins his arms to the ground, hips invading the space between his legs.

"You seem to think you have a choice to do or be otherwise," Suzaku sneers in a livid tone as he leans in close over Lelouch's face—

When his is gifted a thick glob of saliva, courtesy of Lelouch's mouth.

"Fuck. You. Hypocrite." Lelouch says, his voice a slithering snake gobbling the last morsel of Suzaku's patience.

"You _little_ _shit!_" Suzaku explodes and shoves his soiled face into Lelouch's. "Clean that off right now!"

"No!" Lelouch refuses, throwing his head to the side. "Hypocrites deserve to be spat on!"

"Lick it off!"

"_No!_"

"Do it!"

"_No!_"

"You _will!_"

"I _won't!_" Lelouch writhes as Suzaku persists before finally remembering there is _another_ occupant in this cave. "C.C.! _Why_ are you just _standing_ there?"—another wriggle that enables him to rip an arm free and shove Suzaku's face away—"_Save me!_"

As Lelouch scrambles to use his freed limb as leverage to escape, C.C.'s amber eyes fall to the discarded sword that's just within reach for both boys if they'd take the time to notice. She looks back up to Lelouch who is as desperately flailing as a fish out of water, and is surprisingly giving Suzaku quite a hard time as they slowly worm over the dirty floor. C.C. has never seen anything so pathetic in all of her years _experience_ and she's almost certain she never will.

Even so, in order to grab the sword she would have to drop her Cheese-kun on that same filthy ground on which the two boys are tussling.

She could never have that.

"For the _love of God_, C.C.!"

She is still mulling it over when Suzaku finally manages to unfasten Lelouch's pants, but Lelouch, like any cat, has claws and he isn't as easy to—

"I think that's enough," C.C.'s carries her cool voice on the sharp blade of the sword when she slices it in between them.

Lelouch exhales with relief but Suzaku turns stone-still as the tip traces his jugular.

"About time," Lelouch derides as he moves a very safe and dramatic distance away from Suzaku to tidy his appearance.

"I can let him go, you know."

"That won't be necessary," Lelouch quickly objects and gets out a strained, "Thank you."

"You're very welcome." she smiles and squeezes Cheese-kun closer to her hip with her other arm. "I should at least give you my code first so you can heal more quickly."

Lelouch's eyes bug out of their sockets as if her threat is choking him, "You _wouldn't_."

"Code?" Suzaku asks curiously.

C.C. nods at him pleasantly, "Immortality. He technically owes me."

Suzaku looks at him with a gleam so thick Lelouch can see the brunet undressing him in the reflection of those green eyes.

"I think I like the sound of this 'code.'" Suzaku licks at the merciless implications on his lips.

"Now, just wait a second!" Lelouch demands with a hand thrown up as if that will render him invincible. "I think I have a plan that will satisfy both of you."

C.C. and Suzaku look at each other, a silent conversation happening in the blinks of their eyes. All Lelouch can think is that he's got to get the _fuck_ out of here—

Where the _hell_ is Jeremiah when Lelouch _needs_ him?

"Ok, you have our attention," C.C. announces to Lelouch—

Who they catch trying to flee towards the cave's exit while they were distracted. Both the witch and the reaper arc an eyebrow at the demon and she slackens her grip on the sword—

Lelouch holds his hands up in a _sincere_ surrender this time, "Let's not be so hasty."—a sheepish laugh that, incidentally, sounds a lot like a dying sheep—"Here's what I had in mind…"

**.**

**.**

Lelouch stirs to the heavy, metallic scent of blood and a throbbing ache deep in his—

"You awake yet?" Suzaku blurts in Lelouch's reviving hearing without a smidgen of respect for the _dead_.

"_Shut_ _up_… Idiot." Lelouch grumbles and swats at Suzaku's head, a grumpy earthquake shifting underneath the Earth's crust.

"He's conscious. I told you it would take a while after his _first_ time," C.C. garbles out with a mouthful of cheese.

Lelouch cracks an eye open to see Suzaku's stupid face staring down at him.

"So you'll inform _him_ about what's to be expected, but not _me_?" he quizzes tartly at the green-haired witch, the tang of her irresponsibility and _infidelity_ pursing his face.

Suzaku smirks carnivorously down at him but it's C.C.'s droll voice that speaks.

"Who do you think I am? Your mother?"

Lelouch growls and sits up, only to collapse before he can bite anything out at her, a head-rush becoming the demise of his rebuttal as it makes his world spin nauseatingly and causes a blinding flash of pain to flood his—

"That doesn't even make sense…!" he offers lamely instead, reaching to grab the throbbing in his—

Suzaku grabs his wrists, "My, my. It looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the _bed_ this morning."

Lelouch thrashes his arms in Suzaku's hold, aiming to slap that over-confident-_smirk_-of-an-entendre off Suzaku's _simpleton_ face.

"Don't strain yourself, Lelouch." C.C. says plainly. "We all know what an exhausting _event_ you went through, and I know you're suffering something like a hangover right now."

"Whatever," Lelouch grouses and falls still, glaring at them all the same. "We're even now, so why are you two unbearable beings still in my presence?"

"Unbearable?" C.C. mouths sourly despite the traces of her delicious pizza around her lips. "After all I've done for you?"

"_All you've done_? I could argue I'm in this mess _because_ of you!" Lelouch shouts in frustrated pain, his voice tearing across the room like lightning through the sky.

"Never mind that," Suzaku interjects. "At this point who else can you rely on? As I see it, you're stuck here with us. At least until _we_ die."

Lelouch groans.

Sure, go ahead and bring up _that_.

To think, if Suzaku had just killed Lelouch at the _beginning_ he could have avoided all this drama—

Not to mention _not getting_ his chest _penetrated_ by a _godforsaken_ blade only to bleed a slow and painful death while Nunnally cried hysterically at his side…

Stupid Geass.

Stupid code.

Stupid plan for a fake death by way of a stabbing.

Stupid sword.

Stupid world…

Stupid… _stupidness_.

"I immediately regret this decision," Lelouch mutters as he is finally able to rub his hands over bloody clothes covering the _aching_ place in his _extremely tender_ _chest_.

"At least it's _only_ your chest that hurts," C.C. cattily calls to Lelouch, her finger like a magnet to the hammer bashing against his ribs as she carelessly raps on his breast bone.

Suzaku grins, "Yeah. Don't forget you freed yourself by sheer _semantics_."

Lelouch glances at them as they lie on what would appear to be _Zero's_ private quarters, on _Zero's_ private bed, feeling the thick thrumming in his torso stomp up to his brain where an angry migraine is sure to rage.

Isn't this just a perfect situation? To be trapped between a _witch_ and an _idiot_?

There's not much Lelouch can really say, however.

In the end he chose his own punishment.

_This_ punishment.

"…I hate you both," Lelouch rumbles at last, resigning himself to closing his eyes in resentment at the imbeciles who were all too eager to help seal his fate.

For what's it worth, Lelouch can still rest well knowing he _didn't_ get _ass_-raped and that he _never_ will.

Ever.

End of story.

.

.

.

At least as far as his ass is concerned…


End file.
